Seth and Severus Snape
by The Huntress and the Fairy
Summary: Severus and his brother Seth take on a part time job as advice columnists


Ask Seth and Severus Snape  
Seth: Helloooooooooooooooo and welcome to the best advice column that ever existed. I am Seth Snape, brother and enemy of Severus Snape. You probably haven't heard of me as Severus likes to pretend I don't exist. In truth I have been traveling the world and trying to avoid the fate of being an old fart like Severus.   
  
Severus: OLD FART!!!!! WHAT THE @$%& ? I'd like to kick your butt to Timbuktu! AUGGGGGHHHH! Now then I'll be here all day correcting my brother Sloth the Oblivious Nitwit and his stupidly untrue stories about me *mumbling* If only our mum wasn't alive, the things I would do *grrrr*  
  
Seth: Mother always did love me best. And what about your untrue stories about me? Huh? When Minerva found out you had a brother, you told her I lived in Merlin's Medical Facilities for the Mental! How do you explain THAT one, old fart?!  
  
Severus: I told the future you stupid sod. Anyways, mother just pretended to love you best but secretly I'd find her in the middle of the night sharpening knives near your dear, sleeping, messed-up head. So to you who will read this he is a unobservant sloth who spends his time shredding chip bags while watching Judge Judy.  
  
Seth: Hey, that's my job you're talking about! I get paid good money to shred those chip bags and then send them to The Federal Board of Radioactive Muggle Abuse! Yes! Muggles are spying on us by putting radio active waves in the chip bags we foolishly stock our shelves with!!! How else could I afford traveling the world? You don't have enough money to fill a tin can! HEY EVERYBODY! SEVERUS WATCHES PASSIONS WHILE EATING DOUBLE FUDGE CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW LATTE CREAM DELIGHT ICE CREAM! AND HE WATCHES IT IN BOXERS!!!! Awww aren't those bunny rabbits so fluffy and cute looking? Did mommy love you enough to give you those?  
  
Severus: Sloth, my brother, you obviously have a death wish and want it VERY SOON.  
  
Seth: Naw. I just want to get this advice column done before we get kicked off. Besides, I need the extra money so I can help "convince" mother to put you in a retirement home for geezers like you.  
  
Severus: FINE!!! But I trust that this is more of helping yourself convince mom to get you off her will, not like you were ever on it, but you know she was the one to take your Fluffy purple Barney footie pj's which you STILL SLEEP IN. Yes and I have pictures of it!! MooHooHaHaHa  
  
Seth: I have ALWAYS been in that will. And, HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST I WEAR MUGGLE CHILD MERCHANDISE! I'm 25, for crying out loud. Let's settle this outside while the readers look at our first letter, shall we?  
Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
Why doesn't Seth teach at Hogwarts? I think he's a lot cooler than Severus. Severus needs to "accidentally" drop a potion and blow himself up. Then Seth could take his teaching position, and Hogwarts would be a better place  
  
Dark, Handsome, and Best Gryffindor Seeker Yet  
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Dear Dark and Handsome,  
  
I don't teach at Hogwarts because the hospital bills would be too much for Severus to pay, and he hasn't enough money to fill a pineapple jar. Besides, it would be most uncivil of us to be attempting murder in the presence of children. *Picks up his wand...* don't try this at home kids....  
  
Seth Snape  
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Dear Dark Dunderhead,  
  
I KNOW who you are, and I'll have you know that I'm the best Potions Master Hogwarts has ever seen. My brother would kill himself trying to even touch an ingredient.* Reaches for his wand* Besides, who says he'll ever breathe again?  
  
Severus " The great Potions Master" Snape * Fervently tries to put out a fire*  
  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
This is highly uncalled for, I know that you're just trying to fight in a civil way but according to a book I read, FIGHTS FOR LIFE, there is no way for that.  
  
The Smartest Girl Yet  
  
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Dear The Dumbest Chipmunk Yet,  
  
NO, we are not trying to fight each other civilly, we do this column to help mundane idiots like you, and obviously you and your friends need this badly, so shut up and leave us alone  
  
Severus, "The Smartest Person Alive Yet" Snape  
  
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Dear Obviously An Only Child,  
  
Who said anything about fighting civilly? This is the warpath of brotherhood, you ninny! Blood will be shed!  
  
Seth "Smarter than his Geezer brother" Snape  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
I agree with Dark, Handsome, and the Best Gryffindor Seeker yet. If Snape is smart, he'll retire before next Monday. Or if he's even smarter, he'll figure out who I am and give me at least a C instead of that unjust F-.  
  
Face Full of Freckles  
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Dear Face Full of Fungus,  
  
I'm not stupid, I know who you are, and yes you're flunking Potions for the whole year. I'm 39 and not a geezer, so I'm not retiring till I am one. My brother the Sloth will pay dearly if he even thinks to touch me.  
  
Severus " Kung Foo" Snape  
  
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Dear Freckled and Freaky  
  
I know who you are as well. I was camping out in my brother's bedroom closet last week when I noticed his door opened on it's own. I then performed a spell only select few know, and I was able to distinguish you and that Gryffindor Seeker. You messed up my plans, but here's the deal...I annoy Severus on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and you annoy him on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays, deal? Okay..lemme know your answers soon. I'll sneak into the office some night and change that grade of yours if you do a small favor for me as well...  
  
Seth "Da Tae Kwon Do Master" Snape  
  
*reaches for one of those cool bamboo sticks to beat the mess out of my brother*  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
I must agree with Miss Granger, this idea was silly, and I'm reporting you to the Headmaster right this instant. Your brother included. Oh, and he changed the password again.  
  
Minerva McGonnogal  
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Dear Minnie Mouse,  
  
Shut up and leave me alone.  
  
Severus "Better Than You" Snape  
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Dear Miss McG,  
  
This idea is not silly. You wanna know something? THE WORLD RUNS ON MULA, BABY, AND I INTEND TO GET AS MUCH OF IT AS I CAN! Me and the headmaster are old chums, I don't need to worry. All I need to do is fly to Barbados so no one will come and kill me, then head back in about a week. Passwords don't stop me.  
  
Seth "Better in brains and looks then Severus" Snape  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
Awwwwwwww Sevvy's got a little brother!! I bet you two were the ugliest little kids around. And I never heard about Seth, so obviously your mother hates you too and doesn't want to talk about you either. If I were ya'lls mom I wouldn't talk about either of you, I'd throw you in the pond where my good friend the squid lives!  
Boy, you two are in for a surprise tonight!  
  
Peeves da Poltergeist  
  
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Dear Peeves the Pinhead,  
  
What I looked like when I was young is none of your beeswax. You obviously don't know that I am an entrepenuer..yes, more money...and I am currently working on a product a bit like Muggle pesticide, and I'm calling it "Ghoul B Gone" and this isn't like vanishing cream...nooooooooo...this stuff KILLS, BABY! So you won't be stuck in the third world as a ghost anymore, you're going down to eternal rest!  
  
Seth "Rock ON!!!" Snape  
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Dear Peeves the Pond Mucus,  
  
HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER!! And it's Severus to you. My mother always told me I was a handsome young lad when I was little, I can't say much for Sloth, except this: GREASEBALL. Mother always forgot about Sloth, that's why he doesn't have a proper education. And I know the squid very well. In fact, once I almost got him into the hobby called sushi. It didn't work though.  
  
Severus "Chef " Snape  
  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
I see great failure in your future as advice columnists. You haven't even given advice yet, you're only arguing and enraging your readers. I foresee downfall very, very soon. I'm also curious about one thing my Inner Eye is too weak too sense...are either of you free on Saturday afternoon? I have tickets to a book lecture on Matilda Broomworst's novel Cauldrons and Wands. I'm sure it will be quite interesting.  
  
Madame Trelawney  
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Dear Mme. Trelawney,  
  
If you don't like our column, stop reading it. Failure isn't in my vocabulary, and we just started this little hobby so shut up and give us some time you hag! and I'm going to pretend you didn't ask me that.  
  
Seth "Single and Staying that Way" Snape  
  
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Dear Miserable Toadstool,  
  
I'll have you know this column is doing very well indeed, and I'd kill myself before setting foot anywhere with you! Also, seeing how positively boring Professor Binns is, you might wanna ask him instead.  
  
Severus " I'd rather die" Snape  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
This is a really cool thing to do, oh yeah Seth, ROCK ON!!!! Sevvy can just be his little old coot self! Yes, Seth, I've heard you were up to annoying Sevvy. Need accomplices? I'll give you me n' George's business card when I see you sometime  
  
Fred Weasley  
  
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Dear Fried Weasel,  
  
No, Sloth will NOT annoy me. We both live very far apart from each other and he has a girl at his house every other day to occupy him. FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS SEVERUS! 50 points from Gryffindor and a month's worth of detention! I hope he burns your business card.  
  
Severus "The Invincible " Snape  
  
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Dear New Partner is Business,  
  
My name isn't Sloth. No one calls me Sloth. Call me Sloth and I'll kill you. Same to you "Snuffles" yeah, I head you and that girl..uh huh, she called you Snuffles. And that girl just happens to be my ex, and she's also the reason why I'm not dating anymore. There hasn't been a girl in my house since....since....HER!!!! The Snuffles woman! Anyways, yes, I'll be visiting the school soon..I'll be disguised as a Ministry of Magic employee...I'll come to you first... Look me up in the index..you know, back of the town directory...  
  
Seth "I Rule" Snape  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I never knew you had a little brother! *laughs his head off* Ha! You two must have been a sight at the supermarket! "Mommy can we have a lollipop? PLEASE!!!" "NO! Just wait till you get home, what your father will say, I'll tell him both of you have been a nuisance all day! AUGH!!!" HAHAHAHAHA That would have been really funny to see! Oh yeah Seth, your probably just as ugly as Sevvykins so BOO YA! I'll be back : shorty  
  
Sirius Black  
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Dear Seriously Bothered,  
  
Are you a schizophrenic perchance? If so I recommend St. Peter 's Hospital for the Mentally Challenged. Anyways what we did as kids really doesn't concern you plus I'll have you know I was always taller than you and James. We never went to the supermarket, never, because when we were old enough to go places, Sloth was afraid of people. MY NAME IS SEVERUS YOU GREAT BERK!  
Hoping the dementors find you,  
  
Severus " The O Tall One" Snape  
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Dear Severely Insulting,  
  
Why do you care what I did at the supermarket as a child? To tell the truth, I've never had a liking for lollipops...Snuffles and I would run off to the broom aisle, and start a war by trying to knock the other unconscious with...you guessed it...a broom. I have always looked better than Snuffles. I wash my hair every single night unlike the slacker over here...yeah, anyways. If I had gone to Hogwarts I would have been better than all of you, but alack, my mother sent me to Beauxbatons, because I was smarter than all of you people and could speak French!  
  
Seth "Da Cool Dude" Snape  
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Dear Seth and Severus  
  
Seth? Ha! What kind of a dorky name is that? Remus is much better as far as I'm concerned. Okay well like everyone, I think this column sucks. What use is it to insult your readers and give away your personal life? You're stupid! How you ever started this column amazes me! Your always fighting! Again, you're stupid!  
  
Remus Lupin  
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Dear Rejected Lintfuzz,  
  
Remus resembles Retard. Ha Ha  
  
Severus "I'm very pissed to know you exist " Snape  
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Dear Pukin' Lupin  
  
I love making people mad, but I don't love it when people make me mad. Do you want me to come after you and throw you in the pound? You want to know who is stupid? YOU because now I, the entrepreneur, am going to find a way to make you miserable! As for my name, Seth means : the appointed one. Remus, however, means: speedy (you can check this on a baby names website). YOU'D BETTER LIVE UP TO THAT NAME BEFORE I AM APPOINTED LEADER OF "I HATE REMUS" CLUB AND KICK SOME WOLF BUTT!!!!   
  
Seth "I'm rich, mean, and hot" Snape  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
Really I think I'm the only one besides you who loves this column. My father reads it everyday and gets a hearty laugh out of it. I really got a kick out of how you insulted the Mudblood. Ha! How stupid can Gryffindors get? Really, and I think you two can agree with me that Slytherin is da bomb-diggety house, right?  
  
The Child Quidditch Prodigy, Draco Malfoy  
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Dear Drunken Moron,  
  
Son, what century did the phrase "bomb-diggety" come from? No, I don't think Slytherin even comes near the essential "cool-ness". Want to know why? Because Snuffles is their leader. Snuffles is going to kill you for writing this letter, you little suck up, because I'm going to make his life miserable. *grabs a load of "The Bachelor" posters, with Severus as the host* Have fun being suspended from the Quidditch team.  
  
Seth "I'm On Fire!!!!" Snape  
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Dear Draco Malfoy,  
  
No, I know when people are sucking up and that's not going to get you anything but 2 points to Slytherin. I'm trying really to refrain from my usual self so try not to ruin it by forcing me to favoritism. By the way nice effort during practice yesterday, 20 points to Slytherin for a job well done. Give Potter a run for his money next Friday.  
  
Severus "Quidditch Pro" Snape  
  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
With all do respect I write this letter. I hope that Sir Severus will showeth me kindness in Potions and that Sir Sethius will be willing to help Sir Severus undo his lack of chivalry. This I am proud of. This school I am proud of. This the school dubbed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry shouldn't have to be poisoned with Sir Severus's presence. Thank ye.  
  
Neville Longbottom  
  
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Dear No Longer Living,  
  
Nothing surpasses my hate for you. Have you actually been paying attention in Muggle Studies AND History of Magic? I knew Professor Binns would get to someone some day. I fear a certain William Shakespeare ails you poor possessed soul. So snap out of it before I do away with this "chivalry" and kill a certain Sir Neville Longbottom! 20 points from Gryffindor for dreaming while working and a further 10 points for insulting me and praising my brother.  
  
Severus " I hate chivalry" Snape  
  
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Dear Pathetic Pipsqueak,  
  
There, there. I'll kick chivalry in it's chivalistic buns. I'm going to do this for you, little buddy. *Calls 1-800-ADOPT-A-BILLBOARD ....and asks them to use a blown up The Bachelor poster as mentioned in the last letter....Severus in boxers!!!!*  
Seth "Gotta Run Soon" Snape.  
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Dear Seth and Severus,  
  
As directors from Fox Family, we would like to thank you for calling and reserving next month's series of The Bachelor for Severus Snape. The video applications of potential dates are already arriving and will be mailed to Severus ASAP so that he can pick the 125 for the beginning of the season. Severus is sure to give us that extra boost of ratings this show needed.  
  
PS, We saw the Billboard. Do yourself a favor and buy some Designer boxers... Tommy Hilfiger is preferred over your bunnies  
  
Thanks and Congratulations,   
The Directors of The Bachelor Fox Family Studios, New York, NY   
USA  
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Dear Fox Studios,  
  
Thank you so much for this opportunity. Severus has needed something like this to happen to him for 20 years. I assure you I'll be watching every night. There's no business like show business!  
  
Ciao, my dogs-  
  
Seth Snape  
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Dear Fox-crap Studios,  
  
*steaming* I refuse to do business with you! My brother was an IDIOT to think I needed to be on that ridiculous show of yours! How pathetic of you to assume I would give my consent without consulting me in the first place! By the way, are you still running that Last Resort show? I'd like to enter Seth and his um.....wife. Thank-you.  
  
Severus " I have a license to kill " Snape 


End file.
